Marauder Musings
by GoodQueenA
Summary: Sirius is having deep, philosophical thoughts,... siriusly! And Remus is really sick of that joke. Help celebrate Flower Day and readreview this hopefully amusing drabble! No pairings,except for occasional JPLE
1. Chapter 1

**_Marauder Musings:_**

A/N: I haven't really changed the individual chapters, but Im experimenting with the order...so frequent-readers should not go about tearing their hair from utter confusion and blown-up-minds; all is well in the tiny world of Marauder Musings

So, here is the _new_ chapter of Marauder Musings:

**BoldSirius**; _ItalicsRemus_; UnderlineJames ; **_All of the abovePeter:  
_**

Oy, Padfoot. Why've you got flowers in your hair?

**I have proclaimed this day to be "Flower Day". Want one?**

erm, no thanks, Ill pass.

**_Ill take one!_**

**Wormtail! Red, pink, white, or magenta-y? **

**_Magenta-y_**

**Right-o. One magenta-y flower coming up!**

_Sirius, Peter, what in the name of Merlin's panties are you doing with flowers in your hair?_

**It's Flower Day, Moony, my furry mate!**

_Shhh! don't write that_!

**Write what? About your monthlies?**

Are you having PMS, Moony?

_PM what?_

**PMS. Pre Metamorphasis Syndrome, duuh! And you say you're the smart one...**

_snorts that's because I am the smart one...Have you 2 really named it PMS?_

Yes.

**We thought it was nice and subtle. and cute.**

_Subtle? I'm surprised you know how to spell that, much less what it means, Padfoot_

**Huh? Moi? Why, Moony, subtle is my middle name. Right between "drop-dead-georgeous" and "brillliant charmer"!**

_Prove it._

**_Yeah, Padfoot!_**

**Shut it, Wormtail**

_**That wasn't very nice.**_

So how're you gonna prove that you can be subtle?

_He hasn't agreed to it yet!_

**Ha! The Great Padfoot not accept a dare? **

The Great _Subtle_ Padfoot

**Yes, yes, of course.**

_So?_

**To prove my sleek, subtle-osity skills, I shall...take Snivellus's wand out of his robe pocket without him noticing!**

_Alright. Now do it._

Make sure to wash your hands afterwards, his wand's sure to be uber-greasy!

**Here I go!**

_**Watch out for that puddle of gecko's essence on th---ooo! Ouch, that's gotta hurt!**_

(Rolls on floor laughing) I can't believe he slipped! O, Merlin!

_So much for Mr. Sirius Drop-dead-georgeous Subtle Brilliant Charmer Black! Wonder_ _what kind of detention Slughorn'll give him?_

_**Probably cleaning Moaning Myrtle's bathroom**_

EWWW!

_EWWWW!_

**_EWWWW!_**

**I am just wowed by all the support I get from my so-called mates**

Padfoot! You were bloody brilliant, mate! How'd you manage to both slide into Snape's cauldron, AND rip open the back of Rowena Mortimer's robe? Whew, what a sight!

**Uh, I started slipping, and I grabbed onto the closest thing to stop from breaking my ass bones?**

_Well, did it work?_

**Did what work?**

Did grabbing onto Rowena's robes stop you from breaking your ass bones?

**No! My poor, beautiful ass bones, they're bruised! I'm gonna have to pay Madame Pomfrey another visit after class...I don't think she'll mind seeing my lovely face again.**

_Ahhh, always so modest._

**You do know that bones can't bruise, right?**

**  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**BoldSirius**_ItalicsRemus_UnderlineJames_**All of the abovePeter**_

**Moony, do you ever think about immortality?**

_Gasp! Padfoot, you think!_

**shut it and answer the question**

_Sure you didn't mean impotency?_

**O, I don't have to think about that!  
But siriusly, do you?**

_(groans at the increasingly-aging pun) Sure, I guess. Why?_

**Because I think I'd kill myself if I ended up like Binns**

_Padfoot, You'd already be a ghost._

**Right.**

A/N: See? That was such a big change, just a little switchie of the first and second chappies! (whee, rhyming!)  



	3. Chapter 3

hip,hip hooree for chapter 3. And this chapter is dedicated, with much gratitude, to Indigo Velvet for his/her support and review!

I had two possible endings for this one, but one involved james flying without wings (or, rather, a broomstick). I think Ive used that too many times in my stories. time for something different, no matter how funny it is to send people flying.

Just a reminder: underlineJames_ ItalicsRemus _**BoldSirius _all of the abovePeter_** and noneLily

Diclaimer: NOT MINE oh, and the diagram thingy is from Father Ted--really funny BBC show about 3 priests living on a tiny island off the coast of Ireland (sounds like the intro to some joke, which I guess it kinda of is)

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you, the reader, the next installment of...

Marauders' Musings: Study Hall

I'm going in for the kill.

**_The Kill? You're gonna kill someone?_**

**Yes! About time we killed that Snivelly Snivellus Snivellton! **

No, no, no, no! Im not killing anyone! (yet). Merlin's Back-Molars! it's just an expression. I _meant_ that Im gonna go ask out Lily.

_Again?_

**_What would you do that for?_**

**Lovely luscious Lily-kins?**

**_Better keep your wand ready_**

Agr--? What? Wormtail, what the hell do I need my wand for?

_**To protego yourself from Lily's hexes.**_

Psh! She won't hex me. Whatever, I'm asking her now. Watch the master and take notes, my marvelous moronic marauders!

**Who's _he_ calling moronic?**

Hey Beautiful,  
Imagine this: the Hogsmeade visit this Saturday. Me. You. The snow. A blanket. And the small clearing in the woods behind the Shrieking Shack? Don't worry, I know what you're thinking, and I can say for a fact that the shrieking spirits are all on holiday. Besides, I could take on pathetic little poofs of screaming smoke any day of the week to protect your dainty little body.  
So. What d'you say?

Your valiant knight in shining amor,

James

_**I can't see, has she read it yet?**_

_Yeah, and she doesn't look too happy._

**Ooh!Ooh! She's passing it back to him.  
**

To the Jackass in the Crumbling, Rusty Armor (not amor),  
What have I said about fantasies and reality, Potter? Do I have to make another diagram for you? Get this is in your head one last time! I am NOT going ANYWHERE with you. Not a ball, not Hogsmeade, and certainly not a clearing in the woods! I will now avoid said location –thanks for the tip!  
By the way, did you inhale a lot of helium as a child, or did your head just naturally expand to that size?

Don't you dare ask me out again,

Lily Evans

_Well, mate? What'd she say? _

**_At the very least, she didn't strangle you._**

_Well?_

Merlin, she thanked me! She actually thanked me! LILY ROSAMUND EVANS LOVES ME! 

I'm in heaven

**She accepted? **

_What the hell?_

**_Has Hell frozen over?_**

**_Let me see that! _**(grabs note from James, and scans note. Remus and Peter read over his shoulder.)

_snort...!_  
**_msdlfkjl...!_**

**Prongs, you nimwit! She didn't accept you!**

_Don't even bother Padfoot, he's looong gone_

_**Poor Prongs.** _


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Wow, I haven't updated this in awhile. It's a lot harder getting some inspiration for this than I thought it would be. O well, no worries, because here, at last, is another chapter.

Reminder: underlineJames _italicsRemus_ **boldSirius _alloftheabovePeter_** noneLily (unless it says A/N, in which case it is, dear readers, none other than the humble author of this fanfic...)

MARAUDERS MUSINGS: Charms Class

Sirius, what time should---shiiiit! Padfoot! What the hell is spouting out your honker?

**That would be blood that's "spouting" out my "honker". Really, Prongs, you should really get a brain one of these days. and a thesaurus while youre at it.**

_**Hey, why's Padfoot's hand turning red—Ooohhh. Blimey...that's...a lot...of...blo—**_

(A/N: THUNK!)

Well there goes Wormtail. Damn, he's out cold. It was just blood, dude.

**SPEAKING OF WHICH, I could use some HELP around here!**

oh yeah...um...

_Nice nosebleed you've got there, Sirius. I think you've successfully flooded your homework now._

**Thanks, Moony. That really helped a whole lot. NOW HELP ME CLEAN THIS UP BEFORE SOMEONE NOTICES. Jeez, the school could be burning, and you three would just be watching and making wise-ass comments.**

Well, to be fair, Peter wouldn't be. He'd just black-out.

_Oh for Magick's sake, Padfoot, just get a tampon already._

**A WHAT?**

_a tampon_

**yeah, I read that, but how the hell is a feminine hygiene product supposed to help me?**

_sigh. Sirius, what do tampons do?_

**urgh. Do I have to answer that?...they...um...oh. I see now. They soak up blood.**

_Riiiiight! and what is flowing so elegantly out of your nostrils?_

**blood. But...how am I supposed to get a tampon?**

Ooh, hold on a sec, I have a plan!

_uhhhh...how reassuring was that supposed to sound?_

Lily—Emergencey! Can you lend me a tampon?

Love forever, Sir James M. W. G. Potter, esq.

?You want a what? Potter, did you just ask me for a TAMPON?

uh, yeah. Do you have one?

I think so...Merlin, that's ONE question I never thought I'd hear from you. What the hell do you want with a tampon?

Sirius has got a blood gushing from his nose. It's a regular blood fountain.

Never mind. I shouldn't have asked. Here, take this...Do you even know how to use it?

Nah, but I'm sure Remus can figure it out. He's smart like that.

Got it! No need to thank me now...

**Nice! ...uh, now what?**

...ahem!

**what?**

I SAID, no need to thank me.

**Uh yea, I know, so I won't.**

nobody appreciates me here!

**whatever. Now, Moony, how do I work this thing?**

_mmm let me see...looks like you're supposed to stick it up your nose and just push up this little thingy down here._

**ok...pushing...OUCH! I ddnt know it would eject something! That hurt...now what do I do with the casing thing? Can I take it out?**

_I don't know. I'd think you could. James, what did Lily say?_

Hmm?

_What did Lily say about using the tampon?_

oh. I didn't ask.

_whyyyy?_

becauseImight'vetoldheryouwouldknowbecauseyou'resmartlikethat?

_sigh. thanks James, but I don't know how to use one, seeing as I don't have much use for them. Now go ask her again...no, wait. Ill ask her this time._

fine then, be that way.

_Hey, Lily, Sirius has pushed up the stick part of the tampon, can he take out the plastic casing now?_

Yeah, he can pull it out. giggles I've got to see this. Sirius Black with a tampon up his nose!

_Alright, Sirius, you can pull it out._

**ok...how's it look?**

It looks like you've got a long, thin, white booger hanging out your nose. That, or you've got a tampon stuck up your nose.

**Thanks, Prongs. As always, you have a way with words.**

_I do believe Wormtail is starting to revive himself_

_**Agh. what happened? last thing I remember, I saw Sirius with a whole lot of blood shudder coming out his nose...Do you need a hankie, Padfoot, 'cause you've got a really long booger lurking out.**_

_HAHAHAHA!_

HAHHAHA!

**Do you WANT a duffing? Because I can give it to you afterclass if you want it!**

_**Was it something I said? What'd I do? HELP!**_

_**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW! REVIEW!_**  
**_


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Read and Review Chapter Five, Stay Alive because obviously, if you don't, I will come after you with the gleaming sword of frustrated and unappreciated authors, and slay you in your bed.  
(And I know where _you_ live, Bex ! hehe I told you today's lunch conversation gave me an inspiration!)

Chapter Five: Transfiguration

SUB TIME! woo hoo!

**Subs? Where? I want one—I'm starving!**

_You? You're hungry already? We just finished lunch not 10 minutes ago, you bottomless pit! ...or should I say 'you Black Hole'? _

**Gasp! Moony made a pun, good for you Moons! It feels great doesn't it?**

_Yes, actually. It feels quite refreshing._

**Back to business...who has the subs, and why haven't I gotten one yet?**

arrrgh (groans). Padfoot, you know exactly what I meant. We have a SUBSTITUTE today. McGonagall got an apoplexy when she saw how we charmed all of the slytherins' robes hot pink.

Guess she just couldn't take it.

**Ohhh. right. hehe...that was a good one.**

Indeed it was.

_You two were lucky to get off with merely helping Filch polish all the chandelieres and candalabras in the school._

Oh don't spoil a good memory with the mention of ol' Filchy. Just relish in the reminiscence of good times.

**Yeah, good times, ahhh...**

Ahhhh...

_Ahhhhhh..._

**I'm not wearing shoes! hehe**

_Padfoot!_

_**I'm not wearing underwear!**_

_WORMTAIL! ugh! Too much information, mate_

_**Well, I thought we were confessing stuff**_

**Well, you thought wrong.**

_**Oh. ok then. I didn't say anything.**_

_Riiight._

Sirius? Could you put your shoes back on?

**Why?**

_You really have to ask? Or are you just so used to it, that you don't even notice anymore?_

**Notice what? What're you guys talking about?**

_sigh. You want to break it to him, Prongs?_

fine. Sirius Black. You're feet smell like Snape on a hot day after eating a pound of garlic, and rolling around in stinksap.

_Hmm. that was good, James. You were nice and poetic about it._

Thank you, thank you very much. (gives a sweeping bow with much waving of the magestic hand of the one and only Prongs, Esq.)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry this took so long to update, but I just didn't seem to have the time or inspiration to write in the past month or so. With any luck, that should change, but we shall see... oh, and by the way, to those who don't know, "pissed" here means drunk.

Damn it, I always forget the disclaimer...anywho. **Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. nada. and thank goodness I dont own Madonna. I dont think that would be fun.

Marauder's Musings: Care of Magical Creatures

  
Was last night's party hot or what?

_it was what._

Aw, Moony, don't take the piss just because you had to be Designated Keeper of Chaos. It's a prestigous position, you know.

_Hmph. You think so? I'll remind you of that next time you have to convince some 1st year boy that he cannot, in fact, fly, and should step away from the window, while, AT THE SAME TIME, fend off the advances of a seriously pissed black cat!_

**Haha!-- a CAT?...hee hee...Poor Moony, poor, poor Moony...  
**  
How about you, Peter? You had a good time, didn't you? Don't try to deny it, I saw you in that secluded corner!

_**hahaha. Very funny, but I'm not denying anything.**_

**But you're not spilling anything either!**

Aww, look! Ickle little Petey is blushing--isn't he such a cutie!

_**Knock it off, James! It was nothing.**_

_Nothing? Then why won't you tell us what happened?_

**GASP! NO! Wormtail, you didn't!**

No!

_No!_

**No!**

_**WHAT?**_

**You got laid! (starts humming "Like a Virgin")**

_Oh Merlin, my aching head! Sirius, stop that for the love of all things NOT Madonna!_

**But I luuuurve Madonna! (pouts)**

_But I can't staaaaaaaaaaand Madonna! (rolls eyes and glares)_

But I still want to know what Peter diiiiiiiiiiiid last night! (and stop describing your actions in the 3rd person!)

_Oh yeah._

**So.**

So.

_We're waiting Wormtail..._

_**well. I played spin-the-bottle.**_

**Aaaand?**

_So who'd you have to snog?_

**_I snogged Stella van Schnoggleheimer _**(A/N: hehe...snogged schnoggleheimer!)

mmph!

_#gulp#_

**HAHAHAHHAHAHA!**

_Was—(snort)—she, er, was the, um, it...was it any good?_

_**I don't know...I think so. What the bloody hell are you three laughing about? Stop taking the mick, already, and spill it!**_

Well, Wormtail...

**You see...Stella...she's...**

She's a...she's kinda...um...

_Oh Hell! Of all the people to suddenly get prudish! Peter, what these two blockheads are trying to tell you is that Stella came out a couple months ago. _

_**er, "came out"?**_

_As in, she's a lesbian. Peter? do you know what that means?_

_**Yes, yes, of course I know what that means! What d'you take me for?**_

**a rat.**

_Sirius!_

**Sorry. Couldn't help myself.**

_**S'kay. ...So what you're saying then is that...Stella—I...my first—uh...was um...**_

_You're first snog was with a lesbian, yes._

The fact of which is—to us, anyway—

**Awfully**

Exceptionally

**Surpassingly**

Incredibly

**Gloriously**

Exceedingly

**Monstrously**

_STOP IT!_

Funny.

_**Oh bloody hell**_

A/N: You gotta love Thesauri. You just do.

!Thank you to all those who have reviewed this story so far: **Indigo Velvet**; **JennaBanana**; **Bex**; **Wolfheart Dragonwing**; ...and especially to **Elena Faye** for reviewing each chapter! If I had a box of nice cyber chocolates on me, I'd send each of you some, but I don't, so we'll all just have to live with the disappointment.

REVIEW!


	7. Send me your conversations!

I'm really sorry that this is a total let down--ie, not a real update--but Im in a rather dry patch at the moment. Not to mention, Im a junior in high school, so that's getting pretty crazy. Anyways, I want to a) apologize for the prolonged hiatus of this "story" and b) request something.

If you send me a few lines from funny conversations you've had, I'll work them into Marauder conversations. That's basically what I've been doing so far--taking conversations I've had, and extrapolating them into things that the Marauders might say. I can't promise I'll be prompt with the chapters, but I'll do the best I can!

Thank You to all my readers!

GoodQueenA


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